I tried it.
I put the belt around my neck and I tried it.
I leaned forward.
I pulled, until it was right, until it was tight.
I pushed forward.
I ignored sounds, taste, sight.
I pushed forward.
It was tighter.
Harder to breathe.
I wanted to know how it would feel. How it would be if I just leant forward.
Things got harder.
Breath gets shallower.
My neck burns, blue bruises and my brain can’t compute.
Spots. My eyes. Drown.
Is this what I wanted?
If I jumped from the ledge, with this noose on my neck, would it be better?
Would I feel empty? Clear? Free?
Or am I losing my grip on what’s real and what’s fantasy.
If I stop, if I think, I know people care. I know people love me, care.
In this moment, the belt, tight around my neck, I’m not sure.
I forget.
I’ve forgotten.
I lean too far.
Can I go back?
Everything is tingling.
Where is my control?
I have none.
It’s gone.
I’m gone.
Was I ever here?